Long read; better skip it... for the sake of your holly feelings... One year and almost one month of the full-scale russian war against Ukraine... the immense emotional weight and distress that we are experiencing in the face of such a harrowing situation... we do take your call seriously to us to trust God, to stay faithful to Him, and share with you what "the Lord has been doing during the war in Ukraine..."
Quite a lot of Slavic church ministers and pastors who have not experienced the consequences of the war directly (most of them fled from the war in Ukraine just before the war) share with us that we, in Ukraine, should keep our feelings and emotions inside of us, because... because they may hurt them, and 'good russians,' and those people who enjoy peaceful life... feel, suffer, but keep silent.. no feelings.. no emotions.. because it is a sin to have and show them..
I dare to be nonspiritual in your eyes, as a crippled Evangelical, because I want to share with you what I feel during the war. But, yes, you have a full-scale right to consider me as a human being that needs psychological and spiritual help, and does not trust God enough, who does not find the joy of being an Evangelical enough.. So... and yet..
I feel constant FEAR... The constant threat of missile shelling and the possibility of conscription evokes a strong sense of fear for our safety and well-being every day. People say this fear is entirely normal, as our mind and body are trying to protect us from danger.. but knowing that it is normal does not help to eliminate the fear.. it is still a daily feeling; every morning when you wake up, you meet this fear and cope with it all day long by different means..
In addition to FEAR, I feel constant GRIEF. Losing colleagues, friends, students, and good acquaintances is a devastating experience.. every single week from the beginning of the war.. almost every day, you read the news about another Name.. Person.. Widow.. Orphan.. you know.. daily feeling.. profound sadness and grief... mourning those who have passed away being killed by the russians.. although even now so many Western partners and Slavic church ministers and pastors outside of Ukraine prefer us to keep silent about the russian aggression.. "it just happened.." "the sin is guilty.." "the sin is killing.." but these people when they into a car accident or get a toothache do not say: it is a sin that is guilty.. let me do nothing and just be patient and silent.. Grief in our daily life now is an overwhelming process. At the same time, we cannot allow ourselves the time and space to grieve. We have learned what postponed grief it.. Although so many expect us to behave the way we used to before the war...
In addition to FEAR and GRIEF, I feel ANXIETY every night... and have insomnia very often.. and I know how to deal with panic attacks.. how to breath.. what to count.. where to look.. During the day, it is more or less manageable. But when you go to bed, it starts.. like in the bee hive.. racing thoughts, difficulty sleeping, a constant state of worry about what might happen next with you and those you love, here and at the front line... They say: trust the Lord.. But even the Son of God in the Garden of Eden and on the Cross experienced the Silence of the Father... begging him about the Cup.. and submitting to Father's will not as easy as getting a meal in MacDonalds or Chicken'n'File...
In addition to FEAR, GRIEF, and ANXIETY, I feel ANGER towards the circumstances that led to the war.. frustration at my perceived inability to change the situation or protect my loved ones... towards russians who fled from russia, and continue to love putin being in the U.S. and the countries of the European Union.. towards Ukrainian church ministers and pastors who fled from Ukraine and continue to instruct us, who stayed in Ukraine, how to love russians, putin, russian language, and those who kill and rape us, those who loot and destroy, those who bomb and shell constantly.. and I feel anger towards those who ask that we should forgive the russians before they ask for forgiveness, that we should be silent about who started the war, and speak just about 'a conflict in Ukraine,' as it happened on its own.. Abel just died.. Beersheba just committed adultery just on her own.. There was no Jude in the team of Jesus.. the betrayal just happened.. we must not offend the feelings of people who behaved like Jude.. keep silent... Anger is your issue in front of the face of the Lord...
In addition to FEAR, GRIEF, ANXIETY, and ANGER, I feel HELPLESSNESS. This feeling of helplessness is often incredibly demoralizing, as you may feel you can do nothing to change the outcome or protect those around you.. you feel a lack of control over the situation and uncertainty of the future.. you plan, your partners have expectations... but so much is not under control that it is difficult to explain 'from here' to the 'normal life...' Yes, you know that Help comes from the Lord, Strength comes from the Lord, and Shalom comes from the Lord.. but.. to know this in a pub in Jerusalem or enjoying the stars during the peaceful nights in Capernaum is one thing.. to deal with the helplessness in the face of the war is a bit different thing.. You want Victory, but you do not want to Die.. You want to hide behind a strong Army (in Ukraine or the West), but you believe you should be a pacifist only.. let others die.. let others to protect you..
Some professionals say: the only way to alleviate some of these painful feelings is to find safety and security, connect to loved ones, engage in self-care, and seek professional counseling and support. Yes, we try. No, we do not do it, but we do try. We may be able to do it in a total sense after the full-scale war is over. But now the race between Death and Life is so intense: who will be the first? Life will undoubtedly win; we may agree that we will die... but we do not want to be killed in the war..
Where is your Hope, Taras? I respond to this question not because I seek the answer but because so many of you asked. Sorry for being honest. Theologically correct answers are:
God is my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1) God is a source of comfort and strength amid the turmoil and fear. So I try to believe and trust Him..
It is said that God keeps me in perfect peace when my mind is steadfast because I trust in Him. (Isaiah 26:3) Having faith and trust in God can help me experience His peace even in challenging situations during the war. So I try to believe and trust Him..
Jesus has overcome the world. (John 16:33) Even in the face of death and suffering, Christ has the final Victory. My eternal hope is in Him. Although the Father kept Silent while His Son was on the Cross.. Yet, I try to believe and trust Him..
Nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus, as many pastors quote Romans 8:38-39. If I believe, no force, suffering, or hardship can separate me from God's love. His love sustains me even in difficult times if I believe.. But how do you learn to believe? I try to believe and trust Him..
There will be a new heaven and new earth where there is no more death or tears. (Revelation 21:1-4) The ultimate hope of the Bible is the coming eternal Kingdom of God, where there will be no more suffering or hardship. They say it must encourage me even in the troubles of this full-scale war, even if I will be dying in the trenches being killed by the russians.. So I try to believe and trust Him..
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:27).. I try to believe, Jesus, help my unbelief, please, as I do not feel sorry for my unbelief... I try to believe and trust You during this war.. going to You through my FEAR, GRIEF, ANXIETY, ANGER, and HELPLESSNESS...
Yes, you have a full-scale right to consider me as a human being that does not trust God enough.. But I try to believe and trust Him despite of what others think about me... Peace be with you, and I wish you Silent Night, the People of the Bridge ❤️
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Taras N. Dyatlik, UKRAINE
14 March 2023
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